Hashtag #bachelorcooking — one lone man's quest for food

Compiled and lightly edited from my twitter account.

This pasta smells kinda weird… My mistake — that is just kitchen towel in my hands on fire.

Today I learned how much soy sauce is too much.

Mix random things, cook until slightly burnt. :(

Chop & char.

Before getting stuff from the package on the frying pan, package needs to be opened. #protip

“Fry until fully cooked” — define “fully cooked”! :(

I usually approach such as “slightly char, subtract two minutes from next attempt”.

Hot things burn.

  1. Place eggs on a towel, so they don’t roll of a table.
  2. Grab the towel.
  3. :(

Still can’t find soy sauce dose between “can’t feel it” and “gosh, like biting a salt block”. :(

Apparently my bookmarks on cooking hadn’t been visited in 900-1000 days… No wonder.

Time pasta and scrambled eggs to be cooked at the same time… Mission impossible. :(

Narrowly dodged hot frying pan. Pulse is racing.

It’s time to sharpen the knives! No, literally — they are dull. Using dull kitchen knife is dangerous, people.

I have fresh bread. Surprised me!

Whatever it is, you can probably add eggs to it.

I have tea and meat.

Fridge has more food than estimated. #winning

Sometimes I wish I could order month worth of food supply in a bag like I do for my cat.

Aaaaand burnt the meat. #FML

Fry X with eggs — creative and open-ended like that.

Cleaned stove went flames-of-hell on my dinner… uniformly warm food!

The Friday menu is being… rice-centric.

Longly heated parts of mutilated bird corpses.

Today on a quest for more condiments — tartar sauce with chopped pickles. Not bad for a stupid name.

Salt food with hand without open cut. #protip

In my quest for condiments bought hummus today. Tastes about as weird as its name.

Hummus is growing on me.

Apply heat until you are sure it’s dead.

I am out of frying oil. That is a crisis, next only to being out of tea.

Oh crap… The lid on steamer broke, that’s the only way I can manage to cook fish!

Procedure for stale bread: heat in microwave, throw out.

Ate nectarine with a fork. Civilized.

Meat broke out of my dinner alien style. o_0

Smetana was about to expire, so I attempted to drown blini in it, not without success.

Cut finger with an egg.

Last time I boiled khinkali to the explosion point. I guess this time I am having them near-frozen for the opposite data point.

Observes recurrently exploded khinkali …I start to question accuracy of instructions on packaging.

Too much hot liquid on flat plate — not good.

I will not explode khinkali this time, I will not explode khinkali this time…

I have a fork, I need a knife… …I have two forks?

Fried too much fries.

When you suddenly recall a forgotten food item in the fridge and are afraid to look.

I don’t eat much, but when I do it’s because stuff is about to expire.

I think my cooking evolution is missing a path to take from “apply heat” to something more… Advanced.

Found & fried.

Mystery injury — when you look at that burn and struggle to reconstruct an earlier kitchen action.

I have sugar! I just forgot what it’s used for.

Eastern veggies and green tea. Not because fancy, but because that’s what’s left.

When you grab a pan, expect it empty and washed, and weight tells you it’s not, and suddenly the fear of opening it shoots through.

Pain works in a stupid ways. I got the point, only touched that frying pan for like fraction of a second! No need to go on!

Fried chicken… components.

Set pasta on fire. :(

A. Dying in a fireball. Q. Really, what’s the worst that could happen while charging kitchen lighter?

How I see culinary — technique for reducing expenses by diluting meat with other materials.

Polishes meh pizza with bleh ice-cream.

How does one eat without microwave?

Was ordering meat grinder for grandmother and added air grill for myself. Excited to ruin meat in a new way this evening.

Strangely, overcooked meat and undercooked rice don’t add up to average meal.

The mission “Meat 2” into the new air grill is a go. Wish it luck.

The “Meat 2” mission had begun re–entry into kitchen space, thermal equalization in progress

“Meat 2” has no signs of ruinous heat damage and is detectably edible. The dinner future is secure.

Discovered the one true purpose of the air grill thing and it’s heating up frozen pizza (yes, it’s hawaiian, deal with it).

Snacked with a chunk of cold rigid dry meat like a man.

The Far Away Corners of the Fridge — episode number about next to last “Fish Sticks”.

Finally got both meat and marinade at the same time!

Calorie bomb class lasagna dinner to recharge after week of barely eating.

Gotta say I am not too fond of this “will meat marinate before I starve” game.

Had finally found the perfect 12 minutes mark on the convection oven timer (11 minutes is half-frozen, 13 minutes is charred).

Getting comfortable at using convection oven. I should bake something.

Potatoes are high–maintenance delicacy.

Is there expression for preemptive comfort food? anyway — pizza for breakfast.

Cut through the plate. Better than arm or something, I suppose.

Sharpened the kitchen knives. #scared

Think I am past “baking” stage here and simply am torturing this apple pie out of its misery. :(

Pro — edible.

Con — soul draining failure in the next galaxy to what it should be.


  1. Everything can cut you
  2. Everything is flammable
  3. There are no exceptions to 1 & 2

Pie is a lie. :(

There is always something to fry in far corner of the fridge.

Ah, the crisp feeling of kitchen towel just out of laundry… drops it into mayo …it doesn’t last.

Cracked egg. With a knife. I recently sharpened. Split egg in two & stopped short of doing same to my hand. #nearmiss

All food can explode.

I don’t peel.

Hmmm… Hmmm… Hmmm… Forgot salt. >_<

Cook rice without salt for one day and you facepalm once. Cook rice without salt for five days and, well, you get the math.

Pack of veggies with mini corns. NOPE. with one single piece of mini corn. Boo.

Rather irrational pang of wanting to do the cooking over, because I started the timer with a wrong label (right duration).

After family event yesterday mom packed me raw meat to air grill. This is what happens when you admit to know what to do…

YouTube spams “how to master 5 basic cooking skills” video for me to watch… there are FIVE?

My most polished skill in the kitchen is stopping just short of hitting my head on open cupboards’ doors. Practice!

Made breakfast plans. Set things on fire. Made other breakfast plans.

Bought new frying pan. I wish these things just broke in two after a while instead of that coating subtly going to shit.

Good time for fried eggs — week you bought them.

Not good time — week you remembered you have some from long ago.

I had just figured out today that they actually sell pre–made pasta sauces. Wow.

Can You Eat Nothing But Cookies All Day, One Man’s Quest To Find Out

My general peeling technique is roughly “chop to the the cube form”.

941 0 days since pasta was set on fire.

Degradation of dinner plans:

  • cooking

  • cooking, but not dishes

  • not cooking, not dishes

  • …something?

  • bowl of hummus

My digital kitchen scales are weird. I weight spaghetti, break it in half, put it back, and and it weights less. What.

My omelets somehow got worse lately, I didn’t think there was a room for regress there.

Blew up a plate in the microwave. That’s new.

Morale boost dinner (ice cream).

A theory: people who diss soylent move houses instead of cleaning their stove.

(eggs) have a nice day!

(me) don’t make this awkward… approaches with a knife

They still print random stuff on them.

Pro — kitchen is not on fire.

Con — smoke and burnt plastic smell hint that it was the last pot of tea I got out of my tea maker earlier. :(

Got bunch of things done all over and picked up replacement tea maker. May this one not catch fire.

  1. Don’t do it naked
  2. Don’t ask about rule 4

Current level of having it together — cake for breakfast because I screwed up with groceries yesterday.

Finally unpacking and setting up the replacement tea maker, may it not catch fire…

Dodged a shower of boiling oil and, while I need a new frying pan, this is most alive I’ve felt in a while.

Steamer lid crumbled into pieces. AGAIN. seriously, could they just make it from the same stuff as the rest of it?..

Reminded I am incapable of cooking beef.

I’ve learned that asparagus is expensive because it takes multiple years to grow and you need to have a specific gene to notice that it makes pee smell bad.

Worst. Superpower. Ever.

Got ingredients for honey garlic chicken thighs with green pepper and site with explanation how to cook them is down. Swell. :(

fries a pack of frozen veggies for lunch

  1. Don’t eat in the dark and a good shirt

Caught a falling sandwich. With my hip. Guess which side down.

I drowned the last stroopwafel in the tea cup, and everyone is mad at me.

Made guacamole, but forgot to buy potatoes for chips, so it had to be refactored into avocado egg salad.

Missed groceries run due to back pain, and my remaining foods are eggs, bacon, and bunch of grains. I can totally cook three meals out of this today! As long as one of them is ordering pizza.

Made banana pancakes, in spirit, if not in shape.

For a lunch salad I chopped vegetables onto a plate and squeezed mayonnaise onto myself, let’s call it a partial success.

Schrödinger’s kitchen mess — when you drop an open pack of Philadelphia upside down and you don’t know until you lift it…

The good news there was cheese to go with lunch, the bad news I found out what was smelling up the fridge. 🤢

Been scanning all the food barcodes into calorie tracker and I can happily report it confirmed that bar of chocolate is a valid dinner.

It’s nice that I was learning math for like 17 years of my life, so I can do complex calculations, like fit a pizza into diet’s daily calories limit…

Grabbed a small frozen pizza with groceries on weekend and discovered it was made with “cheese analogue”. LIES. there is no cheese analogue, there is only cheese and not cheese!!

Brown rice,

I tried to love you,

but no.

It’s been a while since I held a brush… painting BBQ sauce on a chicken breast.

Honestly, I was skeptical, but “pound chicken with your fist” is indeed an essential recipe step. it doesn’t cook as well if you don’t establish dominance upfront.

Culinary I am on intersection of:

  1. sick of same stuff

  2. shopping for groceries twice less often sucks

  3. cooking the easiest stuff I can look up doesn’t look easy enough


The secret ingredient in the bachelor cooking is being hungry enough to eat it.

My cooking recipes rating system:

⭐ Yes, I would like to join you on a lifelong culinary journey, starting with a charming anecdote from your family travel history.

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ FFS, I just want lunch and this doesn’t need a spice rack.

Had this kitchen scale for years, I thought, what if one day it just runs out of battery in the middle of cooking and GUESS WHAT.

Working on a bachelor cooking bullshit scale:

  • every ingredient after third: +1 point
  • every 10 minutes prep after first ten: +2 points
  • needs to be flipped or other involved manipulation in process: +3 points
  • needs to be transferred between stove/oven: +infinity points

While back I paid not for some potatoes, but a reminder that I would not peel potatoes.

Got the thingy that cuts entire apple into slices and using it feels a bit violent and slightly sexy.

Are we sure a moisture absorber pad is not edible, if fried with a nice steak.

Why are recipe sites always like “that’s enough to feed three people!”, then I add it up and “that’s 600 freaking calories total, ARE YOUR PEOPLE OK?”

Tried camembert bites for lunch, so lunch is camembert bites shells and camembert coated oven.

Apparently my bachelor cooking tweets give impression of a disaster. You only hear the failures! I eat fine and quite healthy, no worries. :)

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